A Modern Perspective On The Iliad

As of the halfway point. (Please note, all adjectives are used strictly in a gender-neutral sense.)

LONG HAIRED ACHAEANS:

Achilles: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE dick.
Agamemnon: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE dick.
Diomedes: Just a hint of dickishness.
Greater Ajax: Not that much of a dick.
Menelaus: Kind of a dick.
Nestor: Not a dick.
Lesser Ajax: No impression one way or the other, which I guess is the shape of it when the other Ajax is around.
Odysseus: Kind of a dick.

DARDAN TROY:

Paris: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE dick.
Hector: Kind of a dick sometimes.
Helen: Kind of a dick.
Priam: Not a dick.
Aeneas: Not a dick. (Yet? Cause the better part of a millenium later, literarily speaking, he's gonna be a dick.)
Various others: Relatively dickish.

THE DEATHLESS GODS:

Zeus: Pretty major dick.
Hera: HUGE dick.
Athena: Substantially dickish a substantial part of the time.
Aphrodite: HUUUUUUUUUUUGE dick.
Ares: Kind of a dick.
Thetis: Dick.
Apollo: Pretty much a dick.
Poseidon: Kind of a dick; also a whiner.