In Dreams

Just had a half-dream (still dreaming, drifting into a waking state) in which I received a letter that I couldn't finish reading. The part of me that was waking up tried to force my dreaming self to finish creating the letter, but one of us couldn't bring myself to finish writing it, or to finish reading it.

This Is Where It Is Going

Bad times in my head around here.

I'm tired and alone and angry. At the world and (some of) the people around me and at myself and at my life.

I feel like I'm straining to keep something from getting out.

I'm coming out of the most ridiculously compressed period of overwork I've ever experienced - 40 consecutive days in the office, working nonstop on one project, 5-6 hours a day on the weekends and 11-12 hours during the week - and by the end all that was keeping me going was my continually escalating contempt and rage for the work and the people making me do it (not the people in my company). By the end I promised myself that when the project was over, in the new year I'd commit to looking for another job because I hated the person I was becoming inside (and outside; I threw away a year of halting progress on my weight and am back to about 245 pounds). Instead I accepted a move to a different position and a fat raise (not yet in effect, sadly).

I have nothing I want in my life except a nice computer and a Fender P-Bass.

I'm smart enough and controlled enough that I'm not really afraid I'll do something stupid, but I'm living every day with the feeling that I'm approaching something precipitous.